A relaxing, fun, extremely positive birth story.

Three weeks ago, I had a baby. And it was SO much fun! 

I know, I know, you don't believe me. No one does. They look at me like I'm crazy and say "You had...fun?" Then I tell them it was a completely natural birth, and they really can't believe me.

No drugs. No epidural, all natural, 100 percent FUN! I was even at a, now prepare yourself, Navy Hotel Hospital. *Gasp* Oh, and I think I should also mention, it didn't hurt. Now I really see you shaking your head in disbelief. I had to work, yeah-I had to breath, certainly, but it was so wonderful! A truly delightful day! It started at 8:30 in the morning. 

I woke up and felt three rolling contractions one right after the other. They weren't uncomfortable so I went back to sleep. I got up a half hour later and noticed I was bleeding. This concerned me so I called the hospital and they asked me to come in and make sure it was just cervical change and nothing else. 

Hubby came home from work and escorted me to the hospital. They checked me out and everything was just fine, I was having more consistent contractions (which I couldn't even feel other than some tightening) and I was already dilated to a four. The doctor wanted me to stay since my first birth happened very quickly, I thought that sounded like a good idea. They told me that if I wasn't progressing in three or four hours they would look into inducing me. This would not be my first choice so I hesitated, but I had a feeling I'd be fine so I checked in to the hospital. Josh and I had our five year old with us, so Josh left to pick up grandma and drop Scotty off at home. 

Then I started walking...

It took me about three minutes to walk one loop around the entire birthing wing and I was having two contractions per loop, so I knew my body was doing good work. The contractions still weren't strong enough to warrant me breathing through them so I just walked through them. It was grand! I felt so energized, and so strong! Every time I had a contraction I would relax my pelvic floor as much as possible while still walking. I was moving at a brisk pace and had made it 12 laps when Josh showed up! I waved happily to him and said "Hey, wanna go for a walk!?" He smiled and joined me.

I felt so excited. As I walked with Josh I told him I felt like all of heaven was with me to see this baby be born. I felt accompanied by angels, I felt that I was surrounded by family. "This is a birth day party!" I laughed as I described the feelings of joy and celebration I was experiencing. I took a short break for lunch (Josh brought me a bunch of favorite food from home) and we took a short video updating our progress. Then my wonderful nurse and personal cheerleader (Suzanne) came in to check my progress. 

"Well, you are dilated to a six-you are progressing nicely"

"Great!" I smiled "So, is this considered active labor now? Because I feel fantastic, these contractions are great!"

She looked at me in disbelief "I have never had anyone need to ask me if they are in active labor, YES you are in active labor" she laughed.

"Awesome, I think I'll go walk some more, but I feel these contractions are bringing me closer to my next stage of labor, will you start a bath for me?"

So Josh and I were off and walking and my bath was running. I had people literally cheering me on at this point, nurses and doctors (all Navy folks) told me I should be the new poster kid for PRT's, (physical readiness tests) and that if anyone ever complained about running the PRT they'd tell them about me charging laps around the birth center while in labor! 

"This is the best day ever!" I told Josh as we walked "I get to do all my favorite things! Walk with you, talk with you, I have your total attention no distractions AND I get to go take a bath in a little while!"

Pretty soon my contractions were strong enough that I needed to breathe through them, but I never slowed my walking pace, I continued to relax through the contractions and still had no terrible pain. My back ached quite a bit but as long as I breathed deeply I felt wonderful. 

After a while I felt like my body wanted to stop walking. (We'd done over 40 laps I think.) So I went back to my room and relaxed in the bathtub for a while.

It was blissful!

My mood shifted from excited to introspective and I knew I moving into the next stage of labor. I meditated and imagined seeing my baby moving and dancing through my body. I filled him with golden light and spoke to him softly telling him he was safe and that we were making this journey together. I felt so connected to him.

I wrote a little song for him, expressing my love and gratitude for him. As more contractions came I hung over the edge of the tub and imagined blowing long warm gusts of breath right into the tightness to soften it and blow it away. I also focused on relaxing the pelvic floor and bore down just slightly, gently pushing just enough to feel slight pressure but not applying any force or deep work, it wasn't time for that yet. Between contractions I laid back in the warm water and sang to my baby.

My nurse and doctor (who also happened to be a certified midwife, I just lucked out that day, you never know who you'll get at the hospital!) came in to check on me. 

"You look so deeply relaxed it's like you are at a spa!" They both marveled.

"I feel like I'm at the spa!" I replied "I'm having a wonderful time!" 

"Well, you are dilated to a nine, we're just going to stay here with you for a little while, let us know if you feel the need to push."

A few more lovely contractions and then suddenly I had a beautifully powerful contraction that told me to push. So I let my doctor know it was time to get out of the tub. They helped me out of the water and into my bed where I climbed up slowly and before I could turn over and lay down I had a massively powerful, magnificent contraction. My water broke and a glorious rush of water released an enormous pressure from within me. I felt a significant change come over me as I became the most powerful version of myself. Totally overcome by a primal instinct that told me exactly when to push and when to relax. I was in "child's pose" and this was perfect for me, Josh helped rub my back and that grounded me. Feeling his touch and knowing he was there added to my strength and courage.

At this point I was experiencing intense pressure and contractions. I was working with all my might to bring my baby into the world and it was exhilarating. Pushing felt so incredibly satisfying and important. This stage of labor was definitely filled with the most concentrated physical sensation. Especially building up to the ring of fire. The burning signaled my body to pause and wait, I was stunned by the incredible heat. When the burning stopped my body moved into a tremendous force of action and my mind focused keenly on the work at hand. Then a wave of relief swept all throughout me as time froze within that marvelous moment when my baby slid right from out of my body. I reached down and held his long, tiny body in my hands staring at him in awe, and then the tears of sheer joy came and I smiled at him and said "I wanted you so much."

Then my little Theodore nestled into my arms and we sat back and stared into each other's eyes until he was ready to nurse. 

Transition lasted all but fifteen minutes, and was the only time during labor I experienced anything a person might call "pain." I hesitate to use that word. It was incredible work. And truly an intense experience, but to call it painful just doesn't feel right. Pain signals something is wrong, it stops us dead in our tracks and fills us with panic so that we stop and don't further damage ourselves. 

But there was never anything wrong-nothing to stop. I only felt my body give me prompts to breathe, relax, look into myself, push, pause, work, rest, grunt, wail or moan. I saw all physical sensation as communication, my body, my baby and God were in control and I just surrendered, I trusted and allowed this grand experience to lead me, knowing that the wisdom of all the ages, all the intuitive, primal know how to birth was already within me. Every cell in my body knew exactly what to do in each and every moment leading up to the arrival of my son. I think they should call transition, transformation. In that moment you are becoming something new. A new person, you let down all the walls and perceptions you had of yourself before and fill your entire being with one purpose-to become a mother. You breathe, you grunt, you moan, you sing a song in a voice you've never heard and it's beautiful. It calls you to another place, a place of power and courage. You marvel to discover that this is you, a new you, a better you. Then they place him in your arms, that perfect little person and the world is changed forever, because you had the strength, and courage to live, to feel, and to hold nothing back.

That, my sisters is birth.

And there is nothing to fear. 

It's actually wonderfully fun.

Because no matter what-no matter your story, or whether it goes perfectly or not, you had complications or you didn't, you were exhausted, you chose another way, another way was chosen for you, it was what you hoped for it wasn't what you hoped for, you had a cesarean, you had a vaginal birth, an all natural birth, you just needed a little something to take the edge off, you were at home, you were in the water, you were at a hospital, you had an epidural, you didn't, you were on your back,  your side, all fours, you squatted, in the end it just doesn't matter, all that matters is that you did it. One way or another, 

you did it. 

And you see him for the first time, and it's all worth it.

He came at 6:26 that same evening. His life is a gift, His labor was a gift. To experience birth in such a peaceful, joyful, empowering way was so wonderful and so humbling. I wonder, what I could have done to deserve such a blessing. He is my fifth child. Only the second to hold in my arms, but the fifth I hold in my heart. After my first was born, I had three miscarriages before getting my little Teddy. Perhaps the pain of those losses filled me with gratitude for everything I was experiencing during the labor. I was truly grateful for every contraction, every transition from one phase into the next knowing it was bringing me ever closer to looking into this little angel baby's eyes. 

Whoever is lead to read this, I hope you will take heart. I hope you will have courage, and faith and most of all gratitude for the babes you've brought into this world, for the ones you are bringing now, for the ones you hope and pray to bring. Trust in God's power and the power He gives you as a woman to perform this miracle of miracles-the miracle of becoming a mother.

These magnificent photos were taken by EllCee Photography

The Ten Day MBA

It has been his dream since our earliest newly wedded days.

"I want to go to business school, I want to get my MBA, I want to do something...big" he told me.

I didn't know what "big" meant. I still don't, only he does. But I did know that a red book titled "The Ten Day MBA" sat on his nightstand and his head was full of dreams. 

It takes a lot more than ten days to earn an MBA. 

It takes finishing five years we owe the Navy. 

Long. Five. Years.

It takes saving. 

Lots. Of. Saving. 

It takes studying for the GMAT.

Lots. Of. Studying. 

It takes not sleeping a wink the night before he takes the GMAT, because I'm staying up late making him a  poster to hang on the door he'll see in the morning. The poster says "Go Get 'Em Tiger!" 

It takes a phone call that nearly sends me into tears of ecstasy when he calls to tell me he just scored a 760 on his GMAT (My Tiger got 'em!) and now his chances of going to business school are real. Really, real. And he comes home with flowers for me, me, thanking me for supporting him. 

It takes filling out admissions forms, and writing essays. And those tears do come when he writes about me in an essay that asks "What matters most to you?" 

It takes debating schools and wondering where he'll get in, and if he'll get in, and I want to live in sunny California and he wants to venture forth to the East Coast. And that big looming question we all ask hangs over our heads "What next? Where next?"

And it takes waiting. 

Lots. Of. Waiting.

And today, Harvard sends out their first round of e-mails either inviting prospective students  for an interview or "releasing them from the process." 

Josh is waiting for his e-mail.

I'm waiting for a phone call.

Because somehow, somewhere in the last six years of marriage, between that book on his nightstand and dream in his head, it wasn't just his dream anymore. It was ours. My dream, became seeing his dream come true. 

This is his journey. His quest. His epic tale to tell. 

But I see it in his eyes, I hear it in his voice, I feel it emanating from his heart, he's asking...

Are you proud of me?

Do you believe in me?

Does this earn your respect?

I want to give you the world.

Because I love you!

And this is all for you

Everything I have,

Everything I dream,

Everything I am,

Is for you."

It takes a lot more than ten days to earn an MBA.

It takes love.

Lots. Of. Love.

My baby butterfly.

It is international pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. As mothers, we remember everyday. But it is special we now have a day to honor these little ones with others. Join in this wave of love and remembrance and light a candle tonight at 7:00.

I've recently miscarried twice. I would have a 3 month old right now. When I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, that one was lost too, I would have had a newborn this March.

My sweet grandma was pregnant 11 times, but only met 4 of those beloved children in this life.

We are not so different, or distant from each other as we sometimes think. Despite politics, religion, and other personal differences grief and loss touch us all, as does love and compassion. This is what reminds humanity that we are actually family.

It is my belief that these angel babies are not so far away as we sometimes feel, they know they are loved and they love us right back. They are very much apart of our families, our hearts are knit together in unity and love forever.

Butterfly

She waits in darkness

Her cocoon is my womb

Protected from the world

Her mind is still

She feels only peace

She hears only a heartbeat

But she doesn’t know what to call the sound

Ears have no name yet

Nor does she

But she is loved,

So loved.

And she feels this,

Though she has no words.

 Then, her cocoon opens

And she is born!

Her timing is perfect.

Perfect for heaven.

She is flawless

She is innocent

She is awake,

She awakens to love.

Her wings glow in the eternal light of the Sun

Her death has been conquered

She was here

And then she was not.

She enjoyed her journey

It was a good journey.

Her great God approaches

The same great God who overcame death

So she could live

The great God who with gentle hands

Holds His little butterfly and welcomes her back

She belonged to Him before she belonged to me

And He smiles and looks into her perfect eyes

Then whispers an infinite truth into her ear

“That sweet mother, is yours forever.”

Beautiful tears of overwhelming joy

Fall from her eyes,

Her perfect eyes.

Our great God laughs and cries with her.

 My heart hears their laughter,

And their tears

It is such a beautiful song

Echoing down from the heavens,

And so I lift my voice

I sing back to them.

It’s my first lullaby

For that sweet baby

Who is mine forever.

Written By:

Heidi Nickerson

How do you fly?

Tonight as I was tucking my four year old son into bed, we had a very sweet conversation.

"Mom, thank you for my superman costume, it makes me so happy."

"You're welcome, Scotty."

"Mom, I thought it would make me fly. But I can't fly. And I don't have any super powers."

"Oh, sweetie" I said, giving him a big hug, "Every super hero has very different super powers, you may not fly like superman, but you have a superpower of friendship and kindness, you make friends so easily! And you have a superpower of happiness, just by smiling and being you, you make others around you happy! And you have a superpower of brilliance, you are very smart and love to learn, that's what makes you Super Scott!"

"Mom, tell me a story about Super Scott."

So I told him a story about making a new friend with someone who was shy. This precious conversation touched me on so many levels, and really made me contemplate my own perspective in life. How innocently my son believed that putting on a costume would turn him into the hero he most admires, but he is already a hero in my eyes and in the eyes of everyone who loves him. As his mother, it is my heart's dearest hope, to be the mirror that can show him to see that greatness in himself.

What costumes am I wearing hoping they will give me super powers? That my house is always clean? That I know just what to do all the time? That I always have it together? That I am always a perfect, engaged mom teaching my 4 year old everything he needs to know to get into college? That my heart doesn't sometimes break? That everything is fine? That I don't need help? I am just as human as you, and in that fallible, imperfect, humanity there is my truest superpower-compassion, sympathy and love.

Because I know how it feels to wish I could fly into the sky of perfection, and then realize I can't fly. I don't have any superpowers...But I am me. I am alive. And I am walking through this life choosing to love, create, and build a family that with God's blessing, will go on and on for generations. That, is superpower enough for me.

Music and the Mind, Book Review

I just finished listening to one of my all time favorite books on tape (for probably the 50th time) "Music and the Mind" by Michael Ballam. I love this book, it inspires and reminds me of the invaluable importance of the arts. Ballam has incredible information and research compiled into this treasure of a book that will compel you to go out and buy your very own copy of Handel's Water Music! There are stories that truly testify of the power and influence of music, the accounts he shares will speak to your heart and remind you of this incredible tool we have to bless the lives of others, wake up the mind and uplift our souls through good music. 

My grandpa always told me that music has to have "the three m's" in order to pass the test of time, it has to have melody, it has to have a message, and it has to have majesty. Ballam's entire book has all three. It is written like a song, it is filled with music and it will change your life. Music is a divine language, a way to convey love in such a powerful and personal way, it is nothing short of magic.

Turn on some Mozart, Brahms or Handel today, sit down with your little one and paint, draw, dance, sing, wake up your mind, wake up your heart, wake up your creativity. All of the answers are there, waiting to be unlocked, music and art will set them free.

What do you do to unlock your creativity?

-DD

Letting go

Life is constantly coming and going. Autumn shows us this principle in a very vibrant and exciting way. All the leaves are changing and falling from the trees, preparing for winter. The long sleep before spring.

Imagine a tree that couldn't let go of it's leaves! Season after season fearfully clinging to every leaf it grew. "I might need this leaf later." It cries. "I just grew this leaf it's brand new!" "I wouldn't look as pretty as that ever green without my foliage!" "I'm just not a tree without all my leaves!" Eventually the tree would topple under it's own weight, and with no room for new growth the old would just sit there decaying. It would not be a pleasant sight. But the tree let's go, and never worries that new leaves won't come. 

With every breath you take in you instantly let go again. You release the old breath to allow in the new. Your body is in a constant rhythm of giving and taking, releasing and restoring. If it were not so, we wouldn't last long. The nature of living is to let things come as we need them and go as we don't. It's as if everything in this life is reminding us that our walk here is just a moment. We will come and we will go. And it is okay. Nothing in this world ceases to exist because it lets go, the letting go simply allows for the process to begin again anew.

Photo copyright Heidi Nickerson

When it's not REALLY yours, renting. Part 3 of 3

After a year of decorating with wild, passionate abandon, and a year of ultra conservative "I'm just going to have such a spotless house all the cockroaches will starve" home, I learned a few things.

Design is a process. Don't be afraid to start the process, just because you won't be in the same house five years from now. Chances are, even if you were in the same house your style, skill level, and resources would change so much in five years you'd have a "new" house anyway. Don't deprive yourself of joy today for fear of leaving tomorrow. If that joy is simply cutting out paper hearts and taping them to the door, so be it! But let yourself create!

Design has seasons. Sometimes it's time to design, and sometimes it's not. It's that simple. Money is short, or stress is high, it's just not time. Let that be okay. I do recommend always keeping things tidy and organized and maintaining your dream notebook.

True passion can not be stopped. Keep your dream alive, if you don't have money for a headboard find pictures of the headboard of your dreams and get a mason jar to fill with left over grocery money till you can buy it. If you don't have left over grocery money, paint a headboard on your wall, pin the picture of the headboard above your bed, start a dream notebook, don't let anything stop you. You can always create on some level, even if it's not the grand level of putting the actual room together, just yet.

If it's not yours, tend it, don't mend it. Everyone warned me not to put money into that condo we rented, but I couldn't hear them yet. That's life, sometimes we have to get burned to know the stove is hot. While I do think it is important to be an honest and respectful tenant of the landlord's property, it is ultimately their property and it is not your job to put any money into repairs or improvements unless you really want to. I recommend saving that money for your own house. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that now, but I probably wouldn't have listened. Oh well. Life goes on!

Create a vision and dream notebook. I have an entire blog entry about this here. Keep it updated, keep working on it, keep the dream alive. You will feel like you are moving forward even if you aren't making any physical changes to your space yet.

Plan to take it with you. Invest in things you can take with you. As you get clear in your dream notebook you will create a vision for your dream home, so when you make purchases you know you are moving in the right direction. My favorite investment in something I can take with me, is my beautiful headboard and custom bedding. My bed will never change where ever I live. Curtains and even furniture might depending on window sizes and house layouts. But knowing I have a beautiful bed to set up wherever we go is always a comfort to me.

I hope that my stories and insights are helpful to you as you find that balance as a tenant and home maker, while you rent. Just don't give up! That is my best counsel, don't get discouraged, even now you are building your dream home and as you create and hone your talents and vision you are preparing to make that home into something truly wonderful for you and your family.